A small plane carrying the pilot, a minister, a senator and a boy scout are crusing along when suddenly the engine catches fire. The pilot says, "Folks, unfortunately we only have 3 parachutes, I have to survive to report to the FAA on the crash." With that, he grabs a parachute, puts it on and jumps out of the plane.
The senator says, "Well, it would be criminal for me to die and deprive my constituents of my brilliant leadership." With that, he grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The minister says, "My son. I've lived a good life while yours just begun. Take the last parachute and save yourself."
The boy scout says, "Don't worry about it, Father, there's one for each of us. Mr. Brilliant Leader just jumped out with my backpack."
Source: Yahoo Answers
A duck walks into a bar.
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No sorry, we don't have any bread
(after a few minutes) Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
(in a little while) Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any bread!!
(Some time later) Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: if you ask me if i've got any bread once more im gonna nail your bill to this bar....
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?
Source: Yahoo Answers
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....
Source: Yahoo Answers
A man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a booth. When the waitress goes to take his order he says "my friend recommended the chili, so that what I'll have, a bowl of chili." The waitress says ok and goes to put his order in.
A minute later she comes back and says "I'm sorry, that man in the next booth orded the last bowl of chili we had." The man was dissapointed so he orders a sandwich.
After finishing his sandwich he notices that the man in the next booth ate other things and didn't even touch the chili. The man asks the other man "excuse me sir, I noticed you left the chili bowl intact and since I really wanted to try it, may I have it?" The other man says "sure, help yourself."
The man reaches over, grabs the bowl and digs in. Half way done, the man sees a dead mouse in the chili. Disgusted, he pukes up the chili back into the bowl. He then turns and says to the other man "gross, half way done, I found a mouse in the chili!!!" The other man says "yeah, thats about as far as I got before I found it!"
Source: Yahoo answers
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
Source: Yahoo answers
If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of Progress? Congress!
Source: Yahoo answers
Teacher: Whoever answers this question can go home one hour early
Student: Accidentally shoots a spit ball at his teacher
Teacher: who shot that spit ball
Student: I did by mistake. See you tomorrow.
Source: Yahoo Answers
There once was a little pink lady. She had a little pink house and
a little pink dress and a little pink dog.
One day the lady was walking down a street when
she came across a little red house. She pressed the doorbell.
In this little red house lived a little red man. He was having a
bath in his little red bathtub when he heard his little red doorbell ring.
"There goes my doorbell!" he said to himself as he clambered out
of his little red bath. He grabbed a little red towel and put it around
his waist and walked down his little red stairs to his little red door.
But, when he opened the door, his little red towel slipped and fell
off. The little pink lady screamed and ran out across the street. A car
coming down the road and hit her and she died.
Moral: Never cross the street when the red man is flashing.
Source: Yahoo Answers
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Source:Yahoo Answers
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.
guess what....
GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
